Archive for the ‘Eating Disorder’ Category
So, here’s what’s been going on that prompted me to take a blogging break. It is a long post in its entirety but summarized briefly below.
The summary: I am of course back to practicing every day after slacking for 5 days over the holidays. (Vegas, baby!!!) Mostly doing Baptiste yoga because the Cambridge studio is 1) ten minutes walk from my house 2) heated to 95 degrees while the rest of Boston freezes it’s a$$ off, and 3) I am doing Forrest modifications all over the place with complete permission from all teachers. I am also going to Back Bay to teach and take class 3-4 times a week because I love BBY. AND!! Ana is due here in 1 week!!
Key part of summary: I am also taking my own frickin’ advice and seeing a professional headshrinker. 
All is well. I am back to writing. I have missed you. 
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Longer version if you choose to continue: As is apparent in my blog posts and even more so in daily life, I have issues. (Yep, welcome to the human race!) For a long time (25 years??) I’ve thought “I need to talk to a professional,” but I’m stubborn with a tendency to think I can do everything myself and a reluctance to ask for help. Sound familiar to anyone else?
But I’ve hit a point where it feels like I have done everything I can think of to deal with my crap on my own and with the help of my friends/teachers. Really, I’ve tried alot of stuff. Things that are a really good idea to do to help oneself, and I’ve also tried things that are really dumb to try and help. On the good mental health side: I do yoga. I try to nourish myself and have maintained pretty good eating disorder recovery. I’ve eliminated all the external stress a person can eliminate. I have a wonderful marriage, adorable kitties, amazing friends.
And I still drive myself crazy ALOT. I can pranayama and asana and meditate and the crazy still bites me on the ass.
(Delicate phrasing, hunh? Yeah, well, acknowledging one’s feelings and employing emotional self-expression is good self-treatment so there.
After battling the medical system for the past few weeks — and I have GOOD insurance!! — I have had three appointments in the past seven days.
First was pretty much accidental with a straight-up MD. She was ADORABLE. I am already at the age where many doctors (especially interns) are significantly younger than me and damn cute. She is a very intelligent doc, but I automatically called the little redhead (yay redheads!) by her first name and wanted to adopt her. She did a basic medical exam and took bloodwork. Second appt was with an MD of the Psychiatric Persuasion who wasn’t taking new patients but did hear me out and agree I needed to find someone. Third appointment was yesterday with another headshrinker.
Yesterday’s session with Herr Doktor (his new pseudonym Chez Lotus was quite productive. 90 minutes of full mental download the likes of which I have not accomplished before — mostly because I was finally up against the wall enough to be willing to divulge anything I could think of to get appropriate insight/help. There have been many situations where I could have talked all I wanted to about my shit, including teacher training, my friends, my husband, even this blog, but I just wouldn’t let down my guard and I don’t want my crap to define too much of my daily life. My top priority is to have a happy day most days. But I felt very comfortable in the environment I chose yesterday. I especially like patient-Doktor privilege, and the fact that this is someone outside my personal circle who has heard EVERYTHING.
Herr Doktor’s conclusion was I have high anxiety, medium depression and mild OCD. Wait for it… the sound of a bunch of heads nodding in unison. I think a good diagnosis is one that has me, my husband and my BFFs going — “Yeah, that’s no shocker.”
Outcome of the session was setting up continued chats and getting a prescription for medication.
That last clause can be a hot button for some people. Yes, I am completely okay with getting medication to try and help with my shit. I do everything I can think of, and it’s still interfering with my life. Yoga is wonderful. It has kept me alive this far. It will continue to shape every part of my healing. Medication is another aid to that healing; I will use any tool necessary and available. Anyone who wishes may choose to write me off as non-yogic and stop reading – your path is your path; my path is mine.
The specifics of the prescription is two-fold. Beta-blockers for just-in-time treatment of panic and Neurontin to work more continually.
Of course I find any brain chemistry toy fascinating. Beta-blockers are used usually for hypertension but also frequently by performers and surgeons to prevent the physical manifestation of anxiety. They work by blocking the fight-or-flight chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine, and tend to slow heartrate, lower blood pressure, minimize sweaty palms and lightheadedness.
The Neurontin also goes by the generic name gabapentin and is used primarily as an anti-convulsant for seizures. It’s also prescribed though for migraines, bipolar disorder, substance abuse withdrawal and — key for me – anxiety and insomnia. Best I can understand it, Neurontin acts as supplemental GABA, a neurotransmitter in the brain. (Don’t confuse it with “natural” GABA supplements — those have no scientific studies to support effectiveness.) GABA inhibits excitement of the nervous system, especially to block excess epinephrine.
I took my first Neurontin last night. No discernable effects but a bit of drowsiness. Didn’t really fall asleep any faster and still woke up ungodly early. But it’s a med that has to build up a little in the blood (“titrate” was my word of the day yesterday in order to be effective.
Both meds are the “lightest” Herr Doktor could come up with — low side effect profile, low chance of psychological addiction.
This is kind of a really fascinating turn in my journey for me. I am observing with great interest my reactions to deciding to get help, working to get help and how Iwill actually receive/process both therapy and medication. I’d like to share it freely as part of my larger process with the goal, as always on this blog, to try and be open about my journey in the hopes that it will be useful to others.
Hope to see you tomorrow. x’s & o’s!
That’s actually a Lynne line (I totally *heart* Lynne from a month or so ago — when I heard it had to laugh because it’s something I’ve thought many times, but never articulated quite as succinctly.
Spent the morning whinging & debating getting into the studio, then Rachel needed a sub for the 5:40 Forrest class & it was like the universe smackin’ me upside the noggin — Get. Thee. To. The. Studio.
Warmed up first on my own by working through the lesson plan. Still a little toxic in my head. Went into Ame’s 4 pm Core Vinyasa class & that helped brighten things up & wring some of my BS out. Left a little early to prep for my class. Set up the room, lit the candles, burned incense (no sage handy), started the heat, breathed, greeted students, set the theme — & what I say in class, I believe wholeheartedly & drink it in myself — “You are enough, right now, as you are. This doesn’t mean you won’t grow & change & evolve. But it does mean that whatever you think you need to fix or do or achieve to be okay & all right is CRAP. You are already good enough.”
I needed to say that, needed to hear it.
The eating disorder slippery slope I started sliding down this weekend was quite simply effed up thinking. See, what helps me in recovery is working as intuitively as possible, with all foods okay & “legal.” Nothing forbidden, off limits or whatever because doing that just makes the food “charged” & an object of control/self abuse. At the height of being restrictive, I had like three ”safe” foods — Fiber One 57% fiber cereal, nonfat yogurt & leafy vegetables. Tasty things on their own, fine foods, but tough way to live when you feel you have to punish yourself any time you eat anything else.
In working my way out of that tiny little food box, I’ve gone through periods of being totally, happily enamored of different foods as I incorporate them one-by-one into my life. This process has largely taken away any power something may have had. For example, I didn’t used to even eat avocados because I thought them too high fat/high calorie. Once I made them okay in my head, I could figure out if I actually liked them (cuz I really didn’t know) & went through a period of eating them all the time. Now, I may have one or not if I happen to feel like it, but the avocado has no power one way or another. Same with hot dogs. Or candy. Bringing them in one by one, having a bunch in the house, available to eat whenever I’m actually physically hungry allows me to enjoy it if I want some, then let it go when I’m not physically hungry anymore.
But I got caught up in a thought of “maybe if I just restrict white flour, I’ll be healthier/thinner/better” etc etc. Yeah. Not a bad thing maybe for some people, can be a great nutritional adjustment, but it sends me off my nut. Whereas I’d been totally take-it-or-leave-it about refined flour/sugar for a long time, and honestly prefer the taste of brown rice & whole grain 99.9% of the time, suddenly I obsessed over it, felt I shouldn’t eat it in public — especially not around my fellow mentees! heavens forbid! that’d make it obvious I’m an unworthy yogi! — which sends me right into hiding, sneaking, buying & then throwing out, or wanting to purge.
Not a road I want to wander down again. Not a road I would allow another person to suffer through if I could prevent it in any way. You, and I, are enough as we are. Stay, breathe, feel.
Really, there’s nothin’ like teaching a yoga class to get your head out of your own ass.
I’ve been workin’ a home practice alot this week — combination of feelin’ poorly Sun/Mon & then getting really interested in some specific aspects of my attitude & technique that I wanted to focus on. Today I went back to a favorite 2 hr Forrest Intensive CD, Day 4 of the 5 day set to continue to practice working gently with myself as well as lifting up out of the lower back & keeping sacrum stable, especially during twists. Ahhhhhhhhhhh……
The morning blog reading added another book to my “must read” list. It crossed my radar awhile back, but got back-burnered (for someone with a lot of respect for language, I do abuse it terribly somedays . It’s called “My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey” by Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D.
Basic synopsis is that a young neuroscientist had a stroke & is able to recount her experience through both the eyes of a patient & a scientist. One nugget from the book was highlighted in an eating disorder recovery blog I read by psychotherapist Karen Koenig, excerpted & linked here:
http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/healthy/2009/08/the-90-second-emotion-rule.html
“Taylor says it takes “less than 90 seconds” for an emotion to get triggered, surge chemically through the blood stream, then get flushed out. She goes on to assert that within this brief period of time, the automatic emotional response is complete, so that whatever we feel after that is our choosing. Stunning information! Her take is that we need to be present and open to the feeling at whatever intensity it comes. If we short-circuit it, we won’t receive the full impact of the message it’s delivering. Alternately, if we continue to stoke the fires of the emotion, we’re holding on to discomfort unnecessarily. ”
Koenig then recommends: “Next time you’re stressed or distressed, grab your watch or keep your eyes on the clock. Watch the second hand go ‘round one and one-half times. Notice how you feel. Get in the habit of observing how long the physical part of experiencing an emotion takes. Pay attention to what you’re feeling and see if you can simply allow the emotion to wash over and through you. Do nothing, just let it flow.
Koenig continues: “If you allow yourself the full 90 seconds of experiencing a feeling while staying mindfully in neutral, congratulate yourself. If you distracted yourself before the chemicals were able to naturally flush through your system, be compassionate and remind yourself to try to do better next time. If you’re still hanging onto your feelings after 90 seconds, gently pry yourself away with the reminder that you no longer need to hold on. You felt what you felt and hopefully gained insight or information from the experience and now it’s time to let go. Ninety seconds, that’s all it takes.”
One of the many things I find interesting about this is that it looks to be another instance of science supporting what yogis & meditators have observed for centuries. And I love that.
What’s true & worthwhile in any of these methods will stand up to scrutiny & what doesn’t can be continued or not by its practitioners as they choose.
So my standing assertion regarding double-blind, full scientific method examination of yoga, Ayurveda, Chinese medicine, meditation, acupuncture, you-name-it alternative therapy remains simply this: BRING IT.
Hello, I’m a yogini and I’m an omnivore.
(Really, the truth is that after growing up around the world, mostly in Asia, I will eat anything that is dead, or moving slowly. : )
I spent years as a vegetarian, followed by a vegan phase. Most yogis who go veg do so to practice non-violent spiritual principles and that is a wonderful thing.
For me, it was part of recovery from bulimia. Vegetarian/veganism helped me feel like I was eating “safe” food & making the transition from harmful obsession to taking care of myself. But it was also a continued form of restriction and spawned its own disordered behavior.
In Forrest yoga, the emphasis is on finding what truly nourishes your body & spirit & feeds the individual. Ana Forrest speaks openly about going from vegetarian to being a devoted meat eater, and sees it as part of the sacred circle of life & the best way of taking care of herself.
Yoga has helped hugely to soften and release urges to cause harm to myself, and to get in touch with what my insides feel like on an emotional & physical level so I became able to at least TRY & nourish myself in a healthy way. Figuring out what that is on a daily basis is a challenge for us all.
Going omnivore again felt like the next stage in healing in my case — I needed to reconnect with and make all food “safe” in order to find out what works for me. To do this, I did a lot of reading, specifically on Intuitive Eating and Appetite Awareness Training. There may come a time when I re-enter vegetarianism in some form again, or maybe not – I have to trust myself.
Like most sacred cows (pardon the pun), tradition in yoga needs to always be worked through your body, psyche & life. We are all in the middle of our own process.