Archive for the ‘Authentic Self’ Category
I’ve decided I’ve internalized too much criticism about being a hyperactive, atomic squirrel. Like it’s a bad thing. Love the squirrel! Embrace the squirrel! Give it acorns & a nice tree to live in!
K, this is what brought on the current bout of epiphanic crazy. 
Beloved Husband connected me with a friend of his who also has uber-bouncy, perky tendencies & we all went out to see the sparkly vampire movie. Much high pitched squealing, giggling, hugging, mocking, laughing-our-asses-off ensued. (BH fortified himself with a shot of Jaeger for all this. It was priceless. 
Then BH pointed something out on the way home, as I raved about how much fun I had. He observed that I felt so good cuz someone (two someones) had validated the squirrel. The squirrel got to come out & play & talk too fast & act like a twelve year old & it was FABULOUS. The squirrel was not told by look or word to settle down, stop metaphorically laughing in church, be quiet, behave, or otherwise rein in.
It’s been a little like walking on eggshells (or nutshells) recently around myself… yes, I need to breath & speak in pitches & speeds that normal human ears can comprehend. And to mellow out when I start buzzing around & stressing out. It’s good to go deep, to work seriously & with commitment on learning the craft of teaching , & to heal issues & pain. And “relax” is not a four letter word. (It’s five. Yes, I can count.
And yes, I do use humor as a defensive reflex. And to keep my distance from people, emotions, events.
But not most of the time.
I also use humor because it’s effing FUNNY! And it feels good to laugh; it can be as good a stress release as chanting Om for an hour, and, as Lynne pointed out in class today, it is also good for the abs. And I bounce around because it feels so fantastic to be light.
There was an amazing two hour class at Back Bay this morning — Lynne took us through some cranio-sacral stuff purely through breath, followed by SLOOOOWWWW abs, variations on handstand & forearm balance using a strap, headstands, then an awesome thigh-opening flow — but, bottomline, my yoga today was Laughter.
Long live all that is nutty.
In Forrest teacher training, there’s something called The Secret Game. You tell a secret — or two, or fifteen dozen – to one fellow trainee in strictest confidence, to allow a little release & acceptance of something you may have thought was too awful for anyone to hear.
Good game.
Some days on my own when I can’t figure out what the hell is going on, I play a variation called The Feeling Game. It goes something like this: “If I had feelings, which I might, but sure can’t tell, what would that feeling be?” Or “What could be too awful for me to be feeling right now, therefore I am feeling nothing?”
Useful game.
Practiced two hours in the am to my own drummer… well, actually, mostly to Black Rebel Motorcycle Club tunes, but same diff. Setting up now for a half hour chill stretching.
Opportunities to feel.
So, like, FYI, Rumi was a 13th century Persian poet/mystic. Very popular within the yoga world. Go look him up on Wikipedia if you’re curious at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumi – good life story & collected works.
A particular Rumi quote has been showin’ up in the ether recently, put forth as inspirational by people I care about & respect. Here’s the passage:
“Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on, I’ll be mad.”
Nice sentiment. Great rhetoric. Have both given & received the essence of that speech. Very handy for inspiring oneself or others to conquer a challenge or get out of rut.
But, also, forgive me lovely yogis, kinda horseshit.
I have in fact lived where I feared to live. Have destroyed my reputation & the reputation of others. Been notorious. Told the world/The Man/ruling hierarchies to go eff themselves. Thrown off prudence & planning & all inhibitions & embraced my inner rebel & flake. Been mad in the sense of both totally pissed off & kinda off my nut.
And, really, all of the above are highly overrated.
The point of coloring outside the lines is to paint a new world for yourself. To rebel enough so that you create a life that you don’t need to rebel against. To motivate yourself to meaningful change. Cuz if you’re given a choice between being happy & being “mad,” choose happy. Really.
Rephrase: Live where you love to be. Cultivate a reputation you’re proud of. Be who you dream of being. Plan what needs planning & then let it go. From now on, live authentically & joyfully.
Okay, rant done. Marathon yoga day at Back Bay was awesome — 2 hrs teacher practice, then assisted class, then did 2 hr fun pop workshop. Good day. Can see improvement in that it hurt alot less this month than last month.
Self-mutilation is a big Forrest topic. On the literal physical level, yes, but also on the inner dialogue aspect. Been having an introspective, incubating couple of days that culminated in some wonderful clarity at about 5am this morning, before & during Peter’s fab Forrest Intensive 7-9, then Lynne’s Hip Hop class 10-1130, both at Back Bay.
Kind of amazed that I’ve been a “legal adult” for almost 20 years… spent a good 10 of those years dancing around on broken glass, then another 10 working to clean it up. Alot of the behavioral issues boil down to a combination of social anxiety and obsessive thinking stemming from complete self-loathing… I mean, really, who wouldn’t want to run away from someone yelling at them 24/7? If that someone is yourself, expect a lot of behaviors targeted to take you out of your head. (That’s the eating disorders, alcohol or drug abuse, searching for external validation, even reciting memorized verses or emails or typing everything said out in your head… oh, wait, maybe that’s just me
There’s a level of constantly produced white noise manifesting as drama, repetitive negative automatic thinking, disorders, anything to keep actual feeling or real thinking from intruding. Plus, the joys of living in fantasy, the “future perfect tense” I like to call it, where self-acceptance is with held until ridiculous standards are met.
It’s nice to actually take up residence in one’s mind & find it a quiet, fertile place to live. Like swimming in a lovely pond within a green grove rather than dog paddling like hell in turbulent seas.
There’s a level of letting go of habitual rotten patterns not from force or willpower or crisis, but just because you get BORED with them. And delight when you reclaim/realize that you have a choice in the matter.
It’s okay to let go of our trauma/drama identity, & also okay to reclaim it & speak out. And to switch day to day sometimes.
Thing is — let’s just stop the inner critic, stop yelling at ourselves over nothing. Stop the self-mutilation. Now.
Missed posting yesterday because the blog fairy locked me out! Reason: Unknown. But, we have reconciled, recovered & renewed passwords & the blog goes on.
Focusing now on Sloooooowwwwwiiiinnnng Doooowwwwwn. It’s a really necessary next step for me. I’ve a natural tendency to race & fidget & atomic squirrel, & it’s all part of staying disconnected & on the surface of life. It’s a combination habit, defensive shield & pain in the ass anxiety. If you want to go Ayurvedic, it’s over vata-ness. (Used to be more pitta, but I’m just not that pissed off anymore.
So slowing down, grounding, opening up & relaxing are all good practices for me. Not multitasking. Slowing down daily movements. (Hopefully, this will lead to fewer bumped shins.) Spending time savoring moments rather than racing through them to the next thing. It’s such an ingrained state of being & seemed so complementary to our ambition/achievement/hyperspeed culture. But it actually sucks at many levels — constant tension,, stress & hyperactivity is not conducive to a yoga career. Shocker.
Lynne coached me to breathe more, slow down & open up to the flow around & within me. Focused on a gentler, deeper self-practice last night & this morning did a Liquid Asana DVD by Micheline to remind me of the wonderful time I had during her teacher training. Followed that on with some slower Forrest style stretches, especially twists. Chillin’ post-lunch now; will practice again later — likely an exact repeat!! Practice makes less perfectionistic, I hear.
I’m quite impressed that I’ve been finding some people & things too fast or harsh recently. Woah, that’s big for the atomic squirrel.
There’s been lots of yoga since I lasted posted yesterday morning. 5 classes, actually. And they deserve a posting but…
The key event is a piece of news I received. A dear friend’s sibling committed suicide. They grew up in a family sunk deep into one of the worse circles of hell. The past took away this person’s future.
I first thought I’d ask the readers of this little blog to say a prayer for my friend’s family.
And that’s important. Just not enough.
What I beg you to do is speak out, reach out; for those who’ve been through hell & found life after it, shout out!
Yogis choose life & breath every time they step onto the mat. Share this choice with those around you. That practice is a hell of a lot more important than any pose.
Second full day of Micheline Berry’s workshop at Back Bay Yoga was even better! Micheline woke up in a playful mood — class started with a circle where each person gave their name & what they brought into the practice that day. Started the session with some dance, loosening up with some Brazilian rhythms & samba, then free form fun. Went into a 2 hr or so evolving backbend flow with lots of fluid play with lunges, bhekasana variations, evolving into camels & full wheel. Putting us into savasana, Micheline said that she was going to do a special meditation one of her first teachers taught her — laughter. For real. We giggled & chuckled & then someone would snort or go off into gales & off everyone would go… it’d quiet, then there’d be a snigger & off again… fabulous.
Break for shower & smoothie before an afternoon focused on learning some new adjustments. Lynne finished the day up with a rockin’ moving meditation (read: dance to African drumming then Micheline closed with a final circle to share what we felt at the end of the intensive.
I really did feel this helped me access the next level of teaching for me. Kinda summed up with a note I jotted on the T this morning on the way in: “It takes a certain courage to stand up in front of a group & speak. It takes another kind of courage to stand up in front of a group & be silent.”
Looking forward to teaching tomorrow…
A few posts ago, ( http://autumnlotusyoga.omblogger.com/2009/08/29/simple-gifts/ ) I mentioned that during Forrest yoga foundation teacher training, we made a “living list” of what yoga has done for us.
I’m still a little wrapped up & not much for full sentences today (though I did get 2 hrs 45 min on the mat with most of my fave Forrest MP3, the Celebrate Your Practice!) so here’s my list…
What’s yours?
—————
Yoga Has Given/Taught me to:
- self-esteem, liking myself
- I can change and improve and make visible progress
- take my self a little more lightly
- less isolated and more able to connect with others
- reach out and touch people, literally and figuratively
- not mind getting older because I’m getting stronger and fitter and more grounded and capable
- not mind getting older because of really great role models for women aging in yoga (Ana, Beryl, Lilias, Vanda etc)
- a means to heal my mental/physical/emotional pain in concrete, real ways
- take care of myself on a daily basis in healthy ways
- value being authentic and genuine over whatever I think I’m “supposed to/should be”
- keep going even when I feel I’m making a fool of myself because no one minds
- value being happy and a good person over money, things or ambition
- step outside, slow down and heal from the ground up
- speak my truth, especially when teaching, because its powerful and worthwhile
- grow up and take responsibility for my attitudes and behaviors
- love others in a healthy way with a better sense of perspective and a little less neurosis : )
- take a deep breath
- enjoy feeling and staying in my body
- fantastic trips to fantastic places (Edinburgh, India, Mirepoix, Lucca, Wilmette : )
- means to overcome addiction and eating disorders
- accept myself
- creativity
- opportunity to learn anatomy, history, philosophy
- new clothes : )
- feeling better about my physical body
- not so reactive or panicky
- appreciative of other people’s insides — their struggles, whether similar to or different from mine
- helped me to learn to learn by going deeper rather than staying so superficial on a subject
- made me more confident and willing to try things
- helped me to live in the present and let go of the past
- helped me let go of my sense of inadequacy/insecurity/self-consciousness/lack of worth
- it’s given me more than any other single aspect of my life
For a long time I was absolutely unconcerned with doing the right thing. Actually I was frequently antagonistic to it & sought its antithesis. Pretty much just operated driven by adolescence, anger, ambition, achievement, other things that begin with A (as in Type A) & tend to end in drama.
Along the way this changed & I started to want to do the right thing by myself & those I cared about.
Somehow, I really seriously totally had it in my head that the transition to wanting to good would make actually doing what’s best quite straightforward. I mean, really, I hadn’t had any desire or intention to do so before, therefore just aiming for it would be enough, correct?
Yeah, I wish. It was actually quite a surprise to me that just wanting to make healthy choices doesn’t mean that it’s easy to figure out what the best course of action is. Damn it! Am I the only one miffed by this?
I say this because after some exciting days this week, today I’m tired & needed some personal time so I gave my ticket to the David Swenson workshop to a friend, called my mom to talk for an hour & a half, emailed some other friends I’ve neglected & am now settling in to do a home practice to Ana’s Shoulders/Hip/Neck MP3.
Was this the right thing to do?
Dunno. Maybe. I love David & wanted to do the assisting workshop because he has some of the best assists in the business & it’d be good to relearn them. I could use the skillz. But I’ve got a huge day tomorrow where I don’t have the luxury of choosing a different course. And I think my friend will really love the workshop also & maybe this will help her see that I think she has it in her to teach in a few years when she’s ready. (Hidden agenda: not so hidden anymore. And I’ve neglected talking with friends & family so need to do some relationship yoga STAT. And I will practice today, just at home rather than out & about.
Right thing to do? No clue. But at least still trying.
PS!! Almost forgot… reason for big day tomorrow is that my class at Back Bay is starting. Will now have the 10 am Monday time slot of my own!! And also will do teachers practice at 3, then assist Peter at the 5:40 Forrest!!! So, big mandatory fun.
Spent much of today doing the yoga of housekeeping & with about 2.5 hrs of formal practice on the mat. There is now peaceful order at Chez Lotus: clean floors, fresh laundry & groceries in the fridge.
With 6 years in grad school, working since the age of 18, living all over the world, I still have to say that being a wife & yogi are the best jobs I’ve ever had. For years I chose travel, career, school over anything else & those were the right decisions at the time. But when I settled down at 35 & we said our vows in front of Elvis (in a diner, in Vegas, it was AWESOME!!! it was time to put first things first.
Far too often I have given my all to things that didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t give the same energy & love back. It took me years to figure this out & maybe you had it sorted right a long time ago.
But it was a revelation to me that some things do give back all we put in & even more than ever bargained for & they’re really pretty easy to recognize… good friends, family, partners, spouse, children, pets, our practice.
Let’s love what loves us back.