~ Namaste ~

Archive for the ‘Authentic Self’ Category

A week out from the move & I can finally feel change in my bones.  And it has me asking some good questions, ones I stopped asking for a little while & am glad to return to.
What do I want for myself?
Who do I most want to be?
How do I feel & how do I want [...]

This morning I was quite puzzled. Couldn’t figure out what was going on, wondered what was wrong.
Cuz I didn’t feel ambitious, or goal-oriented, or wanting or needful. Was just happy to sit on the couch with a kitty & read the news of the day.
During practice it came to me — I am content. Relaxed, [...]

Dear Tired,
Thank you.  You make me
more efficient; every movement matters
balanced because it’s too much trouble to fall
unable to spin stories
or be afraid
or dread
You make me light
because I don’t have the energy to be heavy
You make me breathe
because that will move my muscles & bones
once I can fight, struggle, force no longer.

This weekend’s Forrest Yoga Mentorship workshop with Heidi will focus on “seeing” or intuition.
When I went down to see her two weekends ago, I asked about how to practice my intuition… it’s something I’m quite interested in getting in touch with.  Mostly because I seem to know fewer & fewer facts each day so I [...]

For those of you who missed the story, Boston was under a “Boil Water” order for the past few days.
Basically, a pipe burst & the water was contaminated.  Folks in Boston & surrounding areas had to avoid using tap water for drinking, brushing teeth, washing dishes etc.  A run on bottled water ensued. 
And everyone became [...]

I started doing yoga in the privacy of my own home, keeping company with Bryan Kest’s Power Yoga videos.   (Amazingly, these are still available in classic VHS format!    But new stuff is also available as downloadable MP3 files.  See http://www.poweryoga.com/) 
I’d been aware of yoga for a very long time before that.  Back in the late 70s my mom would [...]

This was part of a writing exercise from the last in-person Forrest Yoga Mentoring Program workshop, & also on the most recent teleconference for the Program that we did with Heidi.
Went like this.  For two minutes, without self-editing or holding back, be really honest, write on the following:  What expectations do  you have for yourself as [...]

I did make it to one early class today & about half an hour chill stuff in the evening at home — but it was sluggish & tired & a wee bit ill yoga fer shur!  Took the rest of the day as quiet time/mini sick day at home which makes it a perfect recap opportunity.

So when last we left our redheaded heroine, she was facing the last day of the Forrest Yoga intensives/teacher training after a fall on ice, with two swollen hands & one banged & bruised knee, none of which could take weight.  No chats, no dogs, no arm balances, no lunges, no 90 degree angle poses that leg… oh yeah, and the back is still happy only with cobra & baby bridges, so no fancy backbends.  Bottom line, there were alot of poses I couldn’t do.

Things is — that level of tweakiness is hardly an uncommon thing, especially when someone is starting yoga.   We modify, we adapt, we practice anyway if it can be done without pain (and if Ana is expecting you to show up — cuz if so, you.show.up.  

I did a lot of dolphins instead of vinyasas &/or Down Dogs.  (For a shining moment this was a good thing as I witnessed my compatriots do a Turbo Dog that lasted, like, 19 years!)  I did twists at the wall or on the floor instead of hand-based arm balances & did forearm balance where appropriate as a substitution also.  I spotted/assisted my friend during center handstand series the entire time so she hopefully had fun with that.  I backed off standing poses & did knee-off-the-floor lunges.  I crawled around alot.  

What really amused me is that the final apex pose was one I could totally do, even though I couldn’t do all the others.  Leg behind the head pose on the mat is a happy pose for me any day, but INCREDIBLY welcome that day!!   Friends told me they cheered inwardly when we finally hit a pose I could do just fine.  

The theme, btw, was connecting to Spirit.  It was an emotionally tiring practice — I felt incredibly battered, jarred & banged up — but also a huge learning experience & a blessing.  Connecting to Spirit can happen however injured we are & that’s a really important thing to learn & relearn in a visceral way, getting it into the cell tissue.

The afternoon teacher training had two distinct parts.  In the first, we split into pairs & gave each other a private class. This started with a short Q&A on injuries & poses-of-interest, & ended with feedback on teaching.  My incredibly talented partner worked on my back with me & it was awesome.  Assists in every pose, especially focused on twists.  In turn, I gave her a shoulder class, doing both range of motion & strength work, with peak poses a whole string of center forearm balances & handstands.

Here’s the kicker.  My poor swollen, cut unhappy hands felt HUGELY better after assisting my amazing partner.  It was really healing to have my hands on her, both for her & for me.  Hands-on work should NEVER be underestimated.

And I think I’m not allowed to use all caps for emphasis again this post.

Second part of the final teacher training afternoon was a beautiful process of working through a series of important questions.  I’ll give a selection of them now & share some of my answers tomorrow or the next day.

For your consideration, seriously:

1) What delights your spirit?  (Or, if you can’t feel your spirit yet or right now, ask your heart.)

2) What can you do to delight your spirit TODAY? (Ok, I had to all cap that.

3) What brings healing to you?

4)  What are you willing to commit to doing TONIGHT (same exemption to take care of yourself?

5) What can you do daily to get intimate with your Spirit or to entice it back, building a passionate relationship with Spirit?

Think about it.

As mentioned yesterday, I am humbled by the kindness everyone has shown.  But also a little off-balance at the accolades for being “brave.”  Hmm.  Well, dunno.

See I figure it like this – there is a basic level of being the change we want to see in the world.  How can we change anything without speaking our truth?  How can anyone talk about wanting to destigmatize something or eliminate prejudice or promote acceptance without speaking out themselves?   Whether its race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, politics, war, peace, whatever — we speak our truth.

I speak out because think mental health issues are like physical illnesses in many ways — they require different treatments at different times for different people.  Consider diabetes.  It’s a serious illness that manifests in a variety of ways; in broad categories, Type I and Type II though those have wide nuances also.  Sometimes diabetes can be treated through lifestyle changes, sometimes through medication.  The fact that someone needs insulin is not a judgement of value or worth, it just is. 

Which leads to another issue on truth-speaking that I’ve thought a lot about.  Sometimes we DON’T speak out for good reasons also. 

Speaking your truth has to be done with compassion for yourself and others. 

I don’t speak out in this forum about key things in my life history because it would hurt others.  I am slowly speaking my truth on this more openly, but unlikely to do so online for a few more years.  Suffice to say there are external reasons I developed a basically PTSD response to the world during puberty/adolescence.  Hypervigilence, flashbacks, nightmares, numbness, isolation, substance abuse, you name it, clustered also with very predictable issues like eating disorders, low self-esteem, promiscuity etc.  What I’m addressing now in terms of persistent anxiety/depression/OCD is very attenuated and mild compared to even 5 years ago — because of yoga.  The adorable young’un MD who took my case history went into overdrive to set me up the next day with the Crisis Unit shrink (not Herr Doktor) which I found darkly humorous.  I think she was a toddler when I was in crisis.   Herr Doktor was quite amazed that things weren’t much worse which was flattering.    I have an overdeveloped sense of the absurd.

Point being: I’m brave up to a point.  I’m speaking out on what I can in this forum, right now, with a careful eye to acceptable benefits and costs.  Benefit is that I can look myself in the eye and feel I’m speaking out as much as I can, as publicly as I can without hurting others.  Costs?  Well, that’s still unknown.

Other benefit  — being a girlie-girl with frivolous tastes, my reward for being all brave ‘n’ stuff :) was to go get my nails done in a particularly fabulous way that I have always coveted but never tried.  (Why do they call it a French manicure anyway?  Never saw much of it in Paris   Life is short.  Reward the victories extravagantly.  Do something you’ve always wanted to do, just because.

Practice today was a morning class at the neighborhood studio where I found it easier to balance in tripod headstand variations and twisting scissors than in Utthita Hasta Pandangustasana variations (standing balance on one leg with the other extended first front & then to the side).  My theory is that it’s because my inner ear balance organs are much closer to the ground in the former!!

So, here’s what’s been going on that prompted me to take a blogging break.   It is a long post in its entirety but summarized briefly below. 

The summary: I am of course back to practicing every day after slacking for 5 days over the holidays.  (Vegas, baby!!!)   Mostly doing Baptiste yoga because the Cambridge studio is 1) ten minutes walk from my house 2) heated to 95 degrees while the rest of Boston freezes it’s a$$ off, and 3) I am doing Forrest modifications all over the place with complete permission from all teachers.  I am also going to Back Bay to teach and take class 3-4 times a week because I love BBY.  AND!! Ana is due here in 1 week!! 

Key part of summary:  I am also taking my own frickin’ advice and seeing a professional headshrinker.  

All is well.  I am back to writing. I have missed you.

————————–

Longer version if you choose to continue: As is apparent in my blog posts and even more so in daily life, I have issues.   (Yep, welcome to the human race!)  For a long time (25 years??) I’ve thought “I need to talk to a professional,” but I’m stubborn with a tendency to think I can do everything myself and a reluctance to ask for help.  Sound familiar to anyone else?  

But I’ve hit a point where it feels like I have done everything I can think of to deal with my crap on my own and with the help of my friends/teachers.  Really, I’ve tried alot of stuff.  Things that are a really good idea to do to help oneself, and I’ve also tried things that are really dumb to try and help.  On the good mental health side: I do yoga.   I try to nourish myself and have maintained pretty good eating disorder recovery.  I’ve eliminated all the external stress a person can eliminate.  I have a wonderful marriage, adorable kitties, amazing friends. 

And I still drive myself crazy ALOT.  I can pranayama and asana and meditate and the crazy still bites me on the ass.

(Delicate phrasing, hunh? Yeah, well, acknowledging one’s feelings and employing emotional self-expression is good self-treatment so there.

After battling the medical system for the past few weeks — and I have GOOD insurance!!  — I have had three appointments in the past seven days. 

First was pretty much accidental with a straight-up MD.  She was ADORABLE.  I am already at the age where many doctors (especially interns) are significantly younger than me and damn cute.  She is a very intelligent doc, but I automatically called the little redhead (yay redheads!) by her first name and wanted to adopt her.  She did a basic medical exam and took bloodwork.  Second appt was with an MD of the Psychiatric Persuasion who wasn’t taking new patients but did hear me out and agree I needed to find someone.  Third appointment was yesterday with another headshrinker.

Yesterday’s session with Herr Doktor (his new pseudonym Chez Lotus was quite productive.  90 minutes of full mental download the likes of which I have not accomplished before — mostly because I was finally up against the wall enough to be willing to divulge anything I could think of to get appropriate insight/help.  There have been many situations where I could have talked all I wanted to about my shit, including teacher training, my friends, my husband, even this blog, but I just wouldn’t let down my guard and I don’t want my crap to define too much of my daily life.  My top priority is to have a happy day most days.   But I felt very comfortable in the environment I chose yesterday.  I especially like patient-Doktor privilege, and the fact that this is someone outside my personal circle who has heard EVERYTHING.

Herr Doktor’s conclusion was I have high anxiety, medium depression and mild OCD.  Wait for it… the sound of a bunch of heads nodding in unison.    I think a good diagnosis is one that has me, my husband and my BFFs going — “Yeah, that’s no shocker.” 

Outcome of the session was setting up continued chats and getting a prescription for medication. 

That last clause can be a hot button for some people.  Yes, I am completely okay with getting medication to try and help with my shit.  I do everything I can think of, and it’s still interfering with my life.    Yoga is wonderful.  It has kept me alive this far.  It will continue to shape every part of my healing.  Medication is another aid to that healing; I will use any tool necessary and available.  Anyone who wishes may choose to write me off as non-yogic and stop reading –  your path is your path; my path is mine.

The specifics of the prescription is two-fold.  Beta-blockers for just-in-time treatment of panic and Neurontin to work more continually. 

Of course I find any brain chemistry toy fascinating.  Beta-blockers are used usually for hypertension but also frequently by performers and surgeons to prevent the physical manifestation of anxiety.  They work by blocking the fight-or-flight chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine, and tend to slow heartrate, lower blood pressure, minimize sweaty palms and lightheadedness. 

The Neurontin also goes by the generic name gabapentin and is used primarily as an anti-convulsant for seizures.  It’s also prescribed though for migraines, bipolar disorder, substance abuse withdrawal and — key for me – anxiety and insomnia.  Best I can understand it, Neurontin acts as supplemental GABA, a neurotransmitter in the brain.  (Don’t confuse it with “natural” GABA supplements — those have no scientific studies to support effectiveness.) GABA inhibits excitement of the nervous system, especially to block excess epinephrine.   

I took my first Neurontin last night.  No discernable effects but a bit of drowsiness.  Didn’t really fall asleep any faster and still woke up ungodly early.  But it’s a med that has to build up a little in the blood (“titrate” was my word of the day yesterday in order to be effective.

Both meds are the “lightest” Herr Doktor could come up with — low side effect profile, low chance of psychological addiction. 

This is kind of a really fascinating turn in my journey for me.  I am observing with great interest my reactions to deciding to get help, working to get help and how Iwill actually receive/process both therapy and medication.  I’d like to share it freely as part of my larger process with the goal, as always on this blog, to try and be open about my journey in the hopes that it will be useful to others.

Hope to see you tomorrow. x’s & o’s!