~ Namaste ~

Archive for the ‘Authentic Self’ Category

I did make it to one early class today & about half an hour chill stuff in the evening at home — but it was sluggish & tired & a wee bit ill yoga fer shur!  Took the rest of the day as quiet time/mini sick day at home which makes it a perfect recap opportunity.

So when last we left our redheaded heroine, she was facing the last day of the Forrest Yoga intensives/teacher training after a fall on ice, with two swollen hands & one banged & bruised knee, none of which could take weight.  No chats, no dogs, no arm balances, no lunges, no 90 degree angle poses that leg… oh yeah, and the back is still happy only with cobra & baby bridges, so no fancy backbends.  Bottom line, there were alot of poses I couldn’t do.

Things is — that level of tweakiness is hardly an uncommon thing, especially when someone is starting yoga.   We modify, we adapt, we practice anyway if it can be done without pain (and if Ana is expecting you to show up — cuz if so, you.show.up.  

I did a lot of dolphins instead of vinyasas &/or Down Dogs.  (For a shining moment this was a good thing as I witnessed my compatriots do a Turbo Dog that lasted, like, 19 years!)  I did twists at the wall or on the floor instead of hand-based arm balances & did forearm balance where appropriate as a substitution also.  I spotted/assisted my friend during center handstand series the entire time so she hopefully had fun with that.  I backed off standing poses & did knee-off-the-floor lunges.  I crawled around alot.  

What really amused me is that the final apex pose was one I could totally do, even though I couldn’t do all the others.  Leg behind the head pose on the mat is a happy pose for me any day, but INCREDIBLY welcome that day!!   Friends told me they cheered inwardly when we finally hit a pose I could do just fine.  

The theme, btw, was connecting to Spirit.  It was an emotionally tiring practice — I felt incredibly battered, jarred & banged up — but also a huge learning experience & a blessing.  Connecting to Spirit can happen however injured we are & that’s a really important thing to learn & relearn in a visceral way, getting it into the cell tissue.

The afternoon teacher training had two distinct parts.  In the first, we split into pairs & gave each other a private class. This started with a short Q&A on injuries & poses-of-interest, & ended with feedback on teaching.  My incredibly talented partner worked on my back with me & it was awesome.  Assists in every pose, especially focused on twists.  In turn, I gave her a shoulder class, doing both range of motion & strength work, with peak poses a whole string of center forearm balances & handstands.

Here’s the kicker.  My poor swollen, cut unhappy hands felt HUGELY better after assisting my amazing partner.  It was really healing to have my hands on her, both for her & for me.  Hands-on work should NEVER be underestimated.

And I think I’m not allowed to use all caps for emphasis again this post.

Second part of the final teacher training afternoon was a beautiful process of working through a series of important questions.  I’ll give a selection of them now & share some of my answers tomorrow or the next day.

For your consideration, seriously:

1) What delights your spirit?  (Or, if you can’t feel your spirit yet or right now, ask your heart.)

2) What can you do to delight your spirit TODAY? (Ok, I had to all cap that.

3) What brings healing to you?

4)  What are you willing to commit to doing TONIGHT (same exemption to take care of yourself?

5) What can you do daily to get intimate with your Spirit or to entice it back, building a passionate relationship with Spirit?

Think about it.

As mentioned yesterday, I am humbled by the kindness everyone has shown.  But also a little off-balance at the accolades for being “brave.”  Hmm.  Well, dunno.

See I figure it like this – there is a basic level of being the change we want to see in the world.  How can we change anything without speaking our truth?  How can anyone talk about wanting to destigmatize something or eliminate prejudice or promote acceptance without speaking out themselves?   Whether its race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, politics, war, peace, whatever — we speak our truth.

I speak out because think mental health issues are like physical illnesses in many ways — they require different treatments at different times for different people.  Consider diabetes.  It’s a serious illness that manifests in a variety of ways; in broad categories, Type I and Type II though those have wide nuances also.  Sometimes diabetes can be treated through lifestyle changes, sometimes through medication.  The fact that someone needs insulin is not a judgement of value or worth, it just is. 

Which leads to another issue on truth-speaking that I’ve thought a lot about.  Sometimes we DON’T speak out for good reasons also. 

Speaking your truth has to be done with compassion for yourself and others. 

I don’t speak out in this forum about key things in my life history because it would hurt others.  I am slowly speaking my truth on this more openly, but unlikely to do so online for a few more years.  Suffice to say there are external reasons I developed a basically PTSD response to the world during puberty/adolescence.  Hypervigilence, flashbacks, nightmares, numbness, isolation, substance abuse, you name it, clustered also with very predictable issues like eating disorders, low self-esteem, promiscuity etc.  What I’m addressing now in terms of persistent anxiety/depression/OCD is very attenuated and mild compared to even 5 years ago — because of yoga.  The adorable young’un MD who took my case history went into overdrive to set me up the next day with the Crisis Unit shrink (not Herr Doktor) which I found darkly humorous.  I think she was a toddler when I was in crisis.   Herr Doktor was quite amazed that things weren’t much worse which was flattering.    I have an overdeveloped sense of the absurd.

Point being: I’m brave up to a point.  I’m speaking out on what I can in this forum, right now, with a careful eye to acceptable benefits and costs.  Benefit is that I can look myself in the eye and feel I’m speaking out as much as I can, as publicly as I can without hurting others.  Costs?  Well, that’s still unknown.

Other benefit  — being a girlie-girl with frivolous tastes, my reward for being all brave ‘n’ stuff :) was to go get my nails done in a particularly fabulous way that I have always coveted but never tried.  (Why do they call it a French manicure anyway?  Never saw much of it in Paris   Life is short.  Reward the victories extravagantly.  Do something you’ve always wanted to do, just because.

Practice today was a morning class at the neighborhood studio where I found it easier to balance in tripod headstand variations and twisting scissors than in Utthita Hasta Pandangustasana variations (standing balance on one leg with the other extended first front & then to the side).  My theory is that it’s because my inner ear balance organs are much closer to the ground in the former!!

So, here’s what’s been going on that prompted me to take a blogging break.   It is a long post in its entirety but summarized briefly below. 

The summary: I am of course back to practicing every day after slacking for 5 days over the holidays.  (Vegas, baby!!!)   Mostly doing Baptiste yoga because the Cambridge studio is 1) ten minutes walk from my house 2) heated to 95 degrees while the rest of Boston freezes it’s a$$ off, and 3) I am doing Forrest modifications all over the place with complete permission from all teachers.  I am also going to Back Bay to teach and take class 3-4 times a week because I love BBY.  AND!! Ana is due here in 1 week!! 

Key part of summary:  I am also taking my own frickin’ advice and seeing a professional headshrinker.  

All is well.  I am back to writing. I have missed you.

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Longer version if you choose to continue: As is apparent in my blog posts and even more so in daily life, I have issues.   (Yep, welcome to the human race!)  For a long time (25 years??) I’ve thought “I need to talk to a professional,” but I’m stubborn with a tendency to think I can do everything myself and a reluctance to ask for help.  Sound familiar to anyone else?  

But I’ve hit a point where it feels like I have done everything I can think of to deal with my crap on my own and with the help of my friends/teachers.  Really, I’ve tried alot of stuff.  Things that are a really good idea to do to help oneself, and I’ve also tried things that are really dumb to try and help.  On the good mental health side: I do yoga.   I try to nourish myself and have maintained pretty good eating disorder recovery.  I’ve eliminated all the external stress a person can eliminate.  I have a wonderful marriage, adorable kitties, amazing friends. 

And I still drive myself crazy ALOT.  I can pranayama and asana and meditate and the crazy still bites me on the ass.

(Delicate phrasing, hunh? Yeah, well, acknowledging one’s feelings and employing emotional self-expression is good self-treatment so there.

After battling the medical system for the past few weeks — and I have GOOD insurance!!  — I have had three appointments in the past seven days. 

First was pretty much accidental with a straight-up MD.  She was ADORABLE.  I am already at the age where many doctors (especially interns) are significantly younger than me and damn cute.  She is a very intelligent doc, but I automatically called the little redhead (yay redheads!) by her first name and wanted to adopt her.  She did a basic medical exam and took bloodwork.  Second appt was with an MD of the Psychiatric Persuasion who wasn’t taking new patients but did hear me out and agree I needed to find someone.  Third appointment was yesterday with another headshrinker.

Yesterday’s session with Herr Doktor (his new pseudonym Chez Lotus was quite productive.  90 minutes of full mental download the likes of which I have not accomplished before — mostly because I was finally up against the wall enough to be willing to divulge anything I could think of to get appropriate insight/help.  There have been many situations where I could have talked all I wanted to about my shit, including teacher training, my friends, my husband, even this blog, but I just wouldn’t let down my guard and I don’t want my crap to define too much of my daily life.  My top priority is to have a happy day most days.   But I felt very comfortable in the environment I chose yesterday.  I especially like patient-Doktor privilege, and the fact that this is someone outside my personal circle who has heard EVERYTHING.

Herr Doktor’s conclusion was I have high anxiety, medium depression and mild OCD.  Wait for it… the sound of a bunch of heads nodding in unison.    I think a good diagnosis is one that has me, my husband and my BFFs going — “Yeah, that’s no shocker.” 

Outcome of the session was setting up continued chats and getting a prescription for medication. 

That last clause can be a hot button for some people.  Yes, I am completely okay with getting medication to try and help with my shit.  I do everything I can think of, and it’s still interfering with my life.    Yoga is wonderful.  It has kept me alive this far.  It will continue to shape every part of my healing.  Medication is another aid to that healing; I will use any tool necessary and available.  Anyone who wishes may choose to write me off as non-yogic and stop reading –  your path is your path; my path is mine.

The specifics of the prescription is two-fold.  Beta-blockers for just-in-time treatment of panic and Neurontin to work more continually. 

Of course I find any brain chemistry toy fascinating.  Beta-blockers are used usually for hypertension but also frequently by performers and surgeons to prevent the physical manifestation of anxiety.  They work by blocking the fight-or-flight chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine, and tend to slow heartrate, lower blood pressure, minimize sweaty palms and lightheadedness. 

The Neurontin also goes by the generic name gabapentin and is used primarily as an anti-convulsant for seizures.  It’s also prescribed though for migraines, bipolar disorder, substance abuse withdrawal and — key for me – anxiety and insomnia.  Best I can understand it, Neurontin acts as supplemental GABA, a neurotransmitter in the brain.  (Don’t confuse it with “natural” GABA supplements — those have no scientific studies to support effectiveness.) GABA inhibits excitement of the nervous system, especially to block excess epinephrine.   

I took my first Neurontin last night.  No discernable effects but a bit of drowsiness.  Didn’t really fall asleep any faster and still woke up ungodly early.  But it’s a med that has to build up a little in the blood (“titrate” was my word of the day yesterday in order to be effective.

Both meds are the “lightest” Herr Doktor could come up with — low side effect profile, low chance of psychological addiction. 

This is kind of a really fascinating turn in my journey for me.  I am observing with great interest my reactions to deciding to get help, working to get help and how Iwill actually receive/process both therapy and medication.  I’d like to share it freely as part of my larger process with the goal, as always on this blog, to try and be open about my journey in the hopes that it will be useful to others.

Hope to see you tomorrow. x’s & o’s! 

I’ve decided I’ve internalized too much criticism about being a hyperactive, atomic squirrel.   Like it’s a bad thing.  Love the squirrel!  Embrace the squirrel!  Give it acorns & a nice tree to live in!

K, this is what brought on the current bout of epiphanic crazy.   Beloved Husband connected me with a friend of his who also has uber-bouncy, perky tendencies & we all went out to see the sparkly vampire movie.  Much high pitched squealing, giggling, hugging, mocking, laughing-our-asses-off ensued.  (BH fortified himself with a shot of Jaeger for all this.  It was priceless.  

Then BH pointed something out on the way home, as I raved about how much fun I had.  He observed that I felt so good cuz someone (two someones) had validated the squirrel.  The squirrel got to come out & play & talk too fast & act like a twelve year old & it was FABULOUS.  The squirrel was not told by look or word to settle down, stop metaphorically laughing in church, be quiet, behave, or otherwise rein in. 

It’s been a little like walking on eggshells (or nutshells) recently around myself… yes, I need to breath & speak in pitches & speeds that normal human ears can comprehend.   And to mellow out when I start buzzing around & stressing out.  It’s good to go deep, to work seriously & with commitment on learning the craft of teaching , & to heal issues & pain.  And “relax” is not a four letter word.  (It’s five.  Yes, I can count.

And yes, I do use humor as a defensive reflex.  And to keep my distance from people, emotions, events. 

But not most of the time. 

I also use humor because it’s effing FUNNY!  And it feels good to laugh; it can be as good a stress release as chanting Om for an hour, and, as Lynne pointed out in class today, it is also good for the abs.   And I bounce around because it feels so fantastic to be light.

There was an amazing two hour class at Back Bay this morning — Lynne took us through some cranio-sacral stuff purely through breath, followed by SLOOOOWWWW abs, variations on handstand & forearm balance using a strap, headstands, then an awesome thigh-opening flow — but, bottomline, my yoga today was Laughter.

Long live all that is nutty.

In Forrest teacher training, there’s something called The Secret Game.  You tell a secret — or two, or fifteen dozen – to one fellow trainee in strictest confidence, to allow a little release & acceptance of something you may have thought was too awful for anyone to hear.

Good game.

Some days on my own when I can’t figure out what the hell is going on, I play a variation called The Feeling Game.  It goes something like this: “If I had feelings, which I might, but sure can’t tell, what would that feeling be?”  Or “What could be too awful for me to be feeling right now, therefore I am feeling nothing?”

Useful game. 

Practiced two hours in the am to my own drummer… well, actually, mostly to Black Rebel Motorcycle Club tunes, but same diff.  Setting up now for a half hour chill stretching.

Opportunities to feel.

So, like, FYI, Rumi was a 13th century Persian poet/mystic.  Very popular within the yoga world.  Go look him up on Wikipedia if you’re curious at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumi – good life story & collected works.

A particular Rumi quote has been showin’ up in the ether recently, put forth as inspirational by people I care about & respect.  Here’s the passage:

“Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on, I’ll be mad.”

Nice sentiment.  Great rhetoric.  Have both given & received the essence of that speech.  Very handy for inspiring oneself or others to conquer a challenge or get out of rut.

But, also, forgive me lovely yogis, kinda horseshit.

I have in fact lived where I feared to live.  Have destroyed my reputation & the reputation of others.  Been notorious.   Told the world/The Man/ruling hierarchies to go eff themselves.  Thrown off prudence & planning & all inhibitions & embraced my inner rebel & flake.  Been mad in the sense of both totally pissed off & kinda off my nut.

And, really, all of the above are highly overrated.

The point of coloring outside the lines is to paint a new world for yourself.  To rebel enough so that you create a life that you don’t need to rebel against.  To motivate yourself to meaningful change.  Cuz if you’re given a choice between being happy & being “mad,” choose happy.  Really. 

Rephrase: Live where you love to be.  Cultivate a reputation you’re proud of.  Be who you dream of being.  Plan what needs planning & then let it go.  From now on, live authentically & joyfully.

Okay, rant done.  Marathon yoga day at Back Bay was awesome — 2 hrs teacher practice, then assisted class, then did 2 hr fun pop workshop.  Good day.  Can see improvement in that it hurt alot less this month than last month.

Self-mutilation is a big Forrest topic.  On the literal physical level, yes, but also on the inner dialogue aspect.  Been having an introspective, incubating couple of days that culminated in some wonderful clarity at about 5am this morning, before & during Peter’s fab Forrest Intensive 7-9, then Lynne’s Hip Hop class 10-1130, both at Back Bay.

Kind of amazed that I’ve been a “legal adult” for almost 20 years… spent a good 10 of those years dancing around on broken glass, then another 10 working to clean it up.  Alot of the behavioral issues boil down to a combination of social anxiety and obsessive thinking stemming from complete self-loathing… I mean, really, who wouldn’t want to run away from someone yelling at them 24/7?   If that someone is yourself, expect a lot of  behaviors targeted to take you out of your head.  (That’s the eating disorders, alcohol or drug abuse, searching for external validation, even reciting memorized verses or emails or typing everything said out in your head… oh, wait, maybe that’s just me    

There’s a level of constantly produced white noise manifesting as drama, repetitive negative automatic thinking, disorders, anything to keep actual feeling  or real thinking from intruding.  Plus, the joys of living in fantasy, the “future perfect tense” I like to call it, where self-acceptance is with held until ridiculous standards are met.

It’s nice to actually take up residence in one’s mind & find it a quiet, fertile place to live.  Like swimming in a lovely pond within a green grove rather than dog paddling like hell in turbulent seas.

There’s a level of letting go of habitual rotten patterns not from force or willpower or crisis, but just because you get BORED with them.  And delight when you reclaim/realize that you have a choice in the matter.

It’s okay to let go of our trauma/drama identity, & also okay to reclaim it & speak out.  And to switch day to day sometimes.

Thing is — let’s just stop the inner critic, stop yelling at ourselves over nothing.   Stop the self-mutilation.   Now.

Missed posting yesterday because the blog fairy locked me out!  Reason: Unknown.  But, we have reconciled, recovered & renewed passwords & the blog goes on.

Focusing now on Sloooooowwwwwiiiinnnng Doooowwwwwn.   It’s a really necessary next step for me.  I’ve a natural tendency to race & fidget & atomic squirrel, & it’s all part of staying disconnected & on the surface of life.  It’s a combination habit, defensive shield & pain in the ass anxiety.  If you want to go Ayurvedic, it’s over vata-ness.  (Used to be more pitta, but I’m just not that pissed off anymore.

So slowing down, grounding, opening up & relaxing are all good practices for me.  Not multitasking.  Slowing down daily movements.  (Hopefully, this will lead to fewer bumped shins.)  Spending time savoring moments rather than racing through them to the next thing.  It’s such an ingrained state of being & seemed so complementary to our ambition/achievement/hyperspeed culture.  But it actually sucks at many levels — constant tension,, stress & hyperactivity is not conducive to a yoga career.  Shocker. 

Lynne coached me to breathe more, slow down & open up to the flow around  & within me.   Focused on a gentler, deeper self-practice last night & this morning did a Liquid Asana DVD by Micheline to remind me of the wonderful time I had during her teacher training.  Followed that on with some slower Forrest style stretches, especially twists.  Chillin’ post-lunch now; will practice again later — likely an exact repeat!!  Practice makes less perfectionistic, I hear.  

I’m quite impressed that I’ve been finding some people & things too fast or harsh recently.  Woah, that’s big for the atomic squirrel.

There’s been lots of yoga since I lasted posted yesterday morning.  5 classes, actually.   And they deserve a posting but…

The key event is a piece of news I received.  A dear friend’s sibling committed suicide.  They grew up in a family sunk deep into one of the worse circles of hell.   The past took away this person’s future. 

I first thought I’d ask the readers of this little blog to say a prayer for my friend’s family.

And that’s important.  Just not enough.

What I beg you to do is speak out, reach out; for those who’ve been through hell & found life after it, shout out! 

Yogis choose life & breath every time they step onto the mat.  Share this choice with those around you.   That practice is a hell of a lot more important than any pose.

Second full day of Micheline Berry’s workshop at Back Bay Yoga was even better!  Micheline woke up in a playful mood — class started with a circle where each person gave their name & what they brought into the practice that day.  Started the session with some dance, loosening up with some Brazilian rhythms & samba, then free form fun.  Went into a 2 hr or so evolving backbend flow with lots of fluid play with lunges, bhekasana variations, evolving into camels & full wheel.  Putting us into savasana, Micheline said that she was going to do a special meditation one of her first teachers taught her — laughter.  For real.  We giggled & chuckled & then someone would snort or go off into gales & off everyone would go… it’d quiet, then there’d be a snigger & off again… fabulous.

Break for shower & smoothie before an afternoon focused on learning some new adjustments.  Lynne finished the day up with a rockin’ moving meditation (read: dance to African drumming then Micheline closed with a final circle to share what we felt at the end of the intensive.

I really did feel this helped me access the next level of teaching for me.  Kinda summed up with a note I jotted on the T this morning on the way in: “It takes a certain courage to stand up in front of a group & speak.  It takes another kind of courage to stand up in front of a group & be silent.”

Looking forward to teaching tomorrow…