That’s actually a Lynne line (I totally *heart* Lynne 
from a month or so ago — when I heard it had to laugh because it’s something I’ve thought many times, but never articulated quite as succinctly.
Spent the morning whinging & debating getting into the studio, then Rachel needed a sub for the 5:40 Forrest class & it was like the universe smackin’ me upside the noggin — Get. Thee. To. The. Studio.
Warmed up first on my own by working through the lesson plan. Still a little toxic in my head. Went into Ame’s 4 pm Core Vinyasa class & that helped brighten things up & wring some of my BS out. Left a little early to prep for my class. Set up the room, lit the candles, burned incense (no sage handy), started the heat, breathed, greeted students, set the theme — & what I say in class, I believe wholeheartedly & drink it in myself — “You are enough, right now, as you are. This doesn’t mean you won’t grow & change & evolve. But it does mean that whatever you think you need to fix or do or achieve to be okay & all right is CRAP. You are already good enough.”
I needed to say that, needed to hear it.
The eating disorder slippery slope I started sliding down this weekend was quite simply effed up thinking. See, what helps me in recovery is working as intuitively as possible, with all foods okay & “legal.” Nothing forbidden, off limits or whatever because doing that just makes the food “charged” & an object of control/self abuse. At the height of being restrictive, I had like three ”safe” foods — Fiber One 57% fiber cereal, nonfat yogurt & leafy vegetables. Tasty things on their own, fine foods, but tough way to live when you feel you have to punish yourself any time you eat anything else.
In working my way out of that tiny little food box, I’ve gone through periods of being totally, happily enamored of different foods as I incorporate them one-by-one into my life. This process has largely taken away any power something may have had. For example, I didn’t used to even eat avocados because I thought them too high fat/high calorie. Once I made them okay in my head, I could figure out if I actually liked them (cuz I really didn’t know) & went through a period of eating them all the time. Now, I may have one or not if I happen to feel like it, but the avocado has no power one way or another. Same with hot dogs. Or candy. Bringing them in one by one, having a bunch in the house, available to eat whenever I’m actually physically hungry allows me to enjoy it if I want some, then let it go when I’m not physically hungry anymore.
But I got caught up in a thought of “maybe if I just restrict white flour, I’ll be healthier/thinner/better” etc etc. Yeah. Not a bad thing maybe for some people, can be a great nutritional adjustment, but it sends me off my nut. Whereas I’d been totally take-it-or-leave-it about refined flour/sugar for a long time, and honestly prefer the taste of brown rice & whole grain 99.9% of the time, suddenly I obsessed over it, felt I shouldn’t eat it in public — especially not around my fellow mentees! heavens forbid! that’d make it obvious I’m an unworthy yogi! — which sends me right into hiding, sneaking, buying & then throwing out, or wanting to purge.
Not a road I want to wander down again. Not a road I would allow another person to suffer through if I could prevent it in any way. You, and I, are enough as we are. Stay, breathe, feel.
Really, there’s nothin’ like teaching a yoga class to get your head out of your own ass.
